Comparison is the Thief of Joy: Or, Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Page

On a typical day this fall, I will walk into my apartment at the end of a school day at around 3:30. Sweet deal, right?  I'm usually carrying about three bags with me full of quizzes, homework, Expo dry-erase markers, an ipad, a coffee-holder...the list goes on.  By 3:30 I have usually taught about 4 classes and seen about 115 students.  I love it. I am usually so tired by the time I pass under my threshold that it takes only a few steps before I crash onto the couch, or switch immediately into yoga pants.  Each evening, I try to commit at least a half an hour to writing and researching for my dissertation, and try to catch up on entering grades as best as I can before heading off to bed. At the end of each day my heart is so so full from being able to be a part of the lives of young people- as much as I give as a teacher/professor, I get even more back in the form of smiles, kind words, and the looks of transformation and empowerment in a student's eyes and face.  As Meister Eckhart once wrote, "If the only prayer you ever say in your life is 'Thank You,' that will suffice."  I hit my pillow each night both exhausted and thankful- I have found my telos.  Then why do I always feel like it's not enough?

As is typical of someone in the 21st century, not a day goes by without my checking facebook, instagram, etc., not only to check out the latest gossip, but also to connect with friends. Most of my friends have either gotten married by now, are close to being married, and/or are starting to think about having kids. I find myself constantly surprised that I am at that age where these things are normal and expected- "Wait, wasn't that girl doing kegstands just a few years ago? Oh wait, I guess that was 6 years ago now."  I also find myself consistently comparing myself and my life with those peers and dear friends, even though the course of my life has taken a decidedly different turn.  I am single, living in the city, teaching high school and college, and writing a dissertation in a doctoral program.  I teach, research, live and try to embody feminist theory, yet I find myself inadequate or failing when my own life does not follow in the sequential pattern of falling in love, getting married, buying a house and having children.  I don't even want all of those things, at least not in the traditional sense...but why do I still feel like I missed something, or that my life is somehow "less"?

I have come to the conclusion that I need to look at my life right now for what it is: an alternative lifestyle. In my own way, I am taking on loves- children even- and forging a new path as a single woman.  When I work on my dissertation, I am putting my passion, my love, my memories, my entire self into creating this new "thing," this new extension of myself.  In a way, I am birthing something that is both an intimate part of me but also an extension of me, existing on its own. My students are, in an unconventional way, also a part of my family, as are my colleagues and friends. I look at my life right now not in terms of what I can leave behind for my biological children, but rather what I can leave behind for Catholic women in the Church. Is that not noble in its own right? While I shudder at the term "spiritual motherhood," coined by the late Pope John Paul II in his writings on the dignity of women, I must admit that I am taking on an alternate role as a woman in the Church, being a servant and role model for my students about what it might mean to be a lay, single woman of faith.

Still, even in these analogies, I am subconsciously referring to the "traditional" way that a woman should lead her life according to society and the Church as standard, and justifying my lifestyle up and against this standard. Even when I look at fellow PhD students, not only am I comparing myself to them in terms of scholarship and progress, but will also add something to the effect of "PLUS, she has a hot husband/boyfriend."  Why do I do this?  I never stop to think that maybe she or he thinks that I have some great things going on in this crazy little alternative lifestyle of mine.

I love the simple yet poignant quote: "Comparison is the Thief of Joy."  I say it to myself like a mantra, because my own comparisons are stealing my joy, a little more each day.  Joy is precious, and I have the right to bask in it, as a daughter of God. As a teacher and perpetual student, this quote can also mean, "Keep your eyes on your own page." I don't want my students comparing themselves to each other, or using another voice other than their own, so why do I not apply this advice to my own life?

ON

My "Happiness" Project

At the turn of the new year, my good friend Liz gave me a book called "The Happiness Project"- a memoir about a woman in New York City who made resolutions every month for a year in attempts to live an intentionally more "happy" life.  Although personally, as a theologian and philosopher, a lot of her ruminations on happiness seemed a little shallow to me, the project itself is admirable and inspired me to try something like that in my own life: the 28th year of my life, year 2014.  I read the book in January, and so set out to start the project in February.  

February this year was one of the coldest in the past few centuries, and at school professors and politicians spoke ardently on the palpable and tragic effects that Global Warming is having on our planet.  On a small-scale, my own life tends to become affected by the sleet and cold of February every year, but even more so this year in Chicago (or 'Chi-beria'), when many "snowpocalypse"s happened and people locked themselves inside for weeks on end.  I felt like I was trudging- there were many days were it took a concerted effort to drag myself to school and slap on a positive face for colleagues and my students.  So, it was fitting that my happiness resolution for February was: "Show Up." Woody Allen once quipped, "90% of success is showing up," and for this month of February, this addage proved true for me.

In January, I had joined a spanish speaking group from meetup.com, and actually ended up really liking it, despite the fear that I got before walking into a room of 30 complete strangers and then proceeding to speak in a foreign language for a few hours.  I also love to go to yoga at the studio in my old neighborhood (which is now about 30 mins away), but in the negative degree fahrenheit temperatures of January I would often say "not today."  So, for February, whenever an opportunity would present itself to me that I would usually REALLY want to say no to (already in my yoga pants, netflix could be my boyfriend), I made myself SHOW UP.  This was especially hard to do for things that weren't mandatory.  Besides going to school for the classes I was a Teacher's Assistant for, my PhD lifestyle is pretty flexible according to my wants and needs (believe me, not as glamourous as it sounds sometimes!)

My results for February? I was 100% happy that I decided to "show up," and if it wasn't for that phrase to motivate me through February, I would have had a lot of nights when I might have been tempted to "duck out."  I don't want to live my life like that, and honestly it makes me even more prone to the winter blues, which can take a toll on anyone living in the north at this time, but most especially people who already try to balance anxiety and depression in daily life.

Some other goals that I have going throughout the year involve body care and relationship care.  I am taking a plethora of vitamins to try to be more healthy, and am training for a half marathon in May.  I try to be gentle with myself when I have waves of anxiety, and make sure that I treasure being able to sleep naturally now compared to last summer/fall when I would have to take sleeping pills to make my mind shut off.  I'm really excited for March and to build upon my happiness resolutions each month.  Perhaps I haven't found any "keys" to happiness, but I'm trying, and that makes me feel better already 

:-)

The Happiness Project

Single Girl in the City

In attempts not to sound too "complain-y" or downright debbie downer, I wanted to dedicate a post to what life is like for me, as a 20-something single academic in a big city.  I have definitely spent a lot of time feeling defined by whether or not I was in a relationship-- and now, whether or not I am married-- by friends, family and the greater culture around me.  As a feminist, I hate that I give in to those pressures to feel bad about myself because I don't have the same things that I "should" at this point in my life, as a woman.  I fully believe that it is more than ok (even laudable!) to never get married, to never have kids, and refuse to give in to societal expectations about what being a woman means.  However, as much as I can write about things from an "academic" perspective (even as a feminist), I will admit that I do want some of those things, and that is ok.  Even when re-reading that paragraph, I notice that what I think and how I feel are totally different things, and that maybe I don't even fully believe what I write sometimes.

As I turned a year older this January, I reflected on where I thought my life would be at this age.  I know that I am still young, but there was definitely something sad about ringing in another birthday without someone (a romantic partner) to share my life with.  Ever since I was a little girl I would always think about what it would be like to get married, and how wonderful that would be to have someone to love, to have something that gives you that extra spark in an otherwise normal day, to get giddy about someone and for that to last.  I found myself envious of yet another engagement surprise posted on facebook, or monumental steps taken by couples in romantic relationships: planning weddings, celebrating marriage, first houses, first vacations together, etc.  I know that I don't necessarily feel called to have children, but the idea of having some sort of family that's mine and not just being "Aunt Karen" my whole life would still be nice.  Being ok with the fact that that might not happen for me is a struggle but one in which I think is necessary to face.  As a spin on the old addage is the question: "What if your  Prince Charming never comes?"

The reality of the situation for many girls in their late 20s is that outside of a college environment and now in the workforce, it's difficult to find a lot of single people in the same age-range who share some of the same interests, values, etc.  As the "sea" gets thinner and thinner, it's hard not to feel disheartened, thinking that you've somehow missed the boat.  With years going by and relationships not working out, there is also a lot of baggage to deal with.  How do you love yourself again and find your true authentic self after serious relationships fall apart?  Do you have to wait to fully feel comfortable alone to try and let someone else in?  I struggle with a lot of these questions, because above all else, I want to feel some sort of peace in the fact that I might not have someone to share my life with, and that it's still a dinner for 1-- but that doesn't make me any less loved.  It's alone, but in a different way.  Maybe that has its own beauty.

The Courage of Doing Nothing

A few days ago, one of my friends from college posted the following "Poem for Busy People" on their facebook page:

Cramped

I need margins in my life. But I am
Crammed right up against my limits of
timefocusemotionstrength

Therefore it doesn’t take much for me to spill
over into the spaces,
Filling them until I have nowhere left to go.

I need margins. But everything in me wants to do
all I can. Be all I can be. Save the world
from sin and destruction.

Then I have so little time for rest and love.
So little time for quality so great is my quantity.
Rest and Love are segmented parts of my week,
teetering on the edge of my schedule
Where the slightest breath can knock them off,
treated like chaff when they are really marrow.

If I have a Palm Pilot that can keep track of all appointments;
if I have the ability to add more people to my schedule;
if I know all about grace and rest and love
but have not love and rest,
I am a tired disciple, a dim light, a busy Martha.

All that I have been taught tells me to do more.
Tells me that I can be God. That God needs me
in 100 places at once. That I can be Superman if I
beat my arms furiously enough against the air.

In order to make room for margins,
what will have to fall?
If I don’t make room for margins,
I will be falling.

—Marshall Benbow

In such a fast-paced, utilitarian driven society, it's hard for most of us to not feel guilty in taking the time to rest, to make room for the margins so that we can fully nourish our minds, hearts and souls.  Sometimes I find myself making excuses for why I don't have enough time to go to mass, go to yoga, or even make healthy meals at home.  But for me, the undeniable truth is that sometimes the silence and the rest scares me.  This fall, I have had a change of pace in terms of my schedule, which is more socially balanced than last year, but much more of a commitment than I have hours in the day.  Thus, quiet and rest often fall to the wayside, taking with them prayer and contemplation.  I have never been too "good" at prayer to begin with, mainly because my mind is always flooded with thoughts of anxiety and competing voices.  However, it has become very clear to me that I've been keeping so busy not only because I like to feel useful, but also because I'm frankly scared of what would happen if I really self-reflected.

I am definitely not afraid of my own deepest fears or inner doubts- in fact, I would rather confront them head on and try to become more mentally healthy than live in denial of them.  But there is something within me that just doesn't want to "deal" with what is really going on in these changing seasons of life.  It's easier for me to just plunge into my work (be it pastoral or academic) than to go, take my journal, and go sit by the lake.  Because I know that I have a lot of things that I haven't really taken the time to process, but am scared of what that entails.  Sometimes we have things churning inside of us that come up so unexpectedly.  Maybe it's God continuing to knock on the door of my heart until I finally have the courage to open the door, and confront the fact that I don't even know if he/she is really there for me anymore.  I need to have the courage to do nothing, in order to find out. To do otherwise would be for me to be closing the margins of my life, to the point where I just spill over and fall.

In yoga, there is this heart-opening pose called "dolphin" pose, and you literally prop your body on yoga blocks in such a way that your heart is wide open and above the rest of your body.  During that pose, while an acoustic version of "Bring me a higher love" was playing, I cried.  I couldn't stop, and I was so embarassed!!  I wouldn't have known that I had that inside of me until I actually stopped, did nothing, and opened up my heart.  Maybe I need to try that again sometime...

Namaste, and other ways that yoga has changed me

About 2 months ago, I decided to go to the drop-in free yoga class that my neighborhood yoga studio has on the first Saturday of each month. That day, I knew that I had fallen off the wagon in terms of running, and that the semester had started out with a roar, draining me in a lot of ways that I didn't know how to deal with. By the time I reached the middle of the class, I knew that going to yoga weekly was the thing that I needed in order to calm myself down throughout the semester- I thought to myself, "I want to learn more about this type of spirituality." While I don't claim to know a lot about Eastern spirituality, or even about different types of yoga philosophies, I wanted to jot down a list of really important things that I have learned through yoga, and by practicing it 2 or 3 times a week:

- don't compare yourself. This probably comes as a given (as are most important, basic lessons in life), but whenever I'm in a group class, I always find myself comparing myself to other people or trying to get the moves *better* than someone else. In yoga, on of the teachers always starts off by saying that yoga is not a practice about ego, but rather about listening to how your body is that day and not worrying about whether you are doing it right or if everyone is getting the "tree pose" except for you.

-right now, you are perfect. When I was taking a class in Minnesota with my childhood friend Liz, the instructor told us to believe, for the next hour, that we are perfect. As soon as she said this, I got all "theology" on that statement and kept thinking about how we are all fallen, how we are far from perfect, how I'm far from perfect, etc. Then, as I was thinking about how much I disagreed with this statement, she said "don't try to analyze this thought, or question it." In that moment, I really was perfect, simply because I wasn't nit-picking things that were wrong with me, I was just loving myself.

-leave everything behind when you get on the mat. This hour is all about you, and you get to leave the world behind for a little bit and stop the freakin' broken record in your head of doubts, to-do lists, relationship drama, work drama, etc. and just concentrate on you. Although in principle it is not hard for me to indulge in myself, it is very hard to stop my worries, my anxieties and my thoughts about the day. My mat is the place where my mind stops analyzing...even if just for a moment.

-your breath is the most important thing, it is the center of life. For someone who finds myself not breathing deeply enough when I get anxious (most people don't know how to breathe through their diaphragms, and when we get nervous our breath naturally gets really short and "heady"), being reminded in yoga to breathe intentionally is the best thing for my daily life. I really loved it when my instructor said that when we find ourselves thinking about other things or worrying, to breathe so loud that it drowns out that little voice. At first I thought it sounded really funny when the people next to me where breathing so loud that it whistled, but it really does feel good. Good air in, bad air out.

-As you exhale, let go of anything that you need to let go of. Let go of anything that is weighing you down. This is perhaps the greatest lesson (again, really simple duh I know this stuff but don't live it) that I have learned from my yoga classes. Anything that isn't lifting me higher, that is literally bringing me down in my life, needs to be released with every exhale. I have believed for a very, very long time that to love someone means to love them even when they treat you badly, and that Jesus loved us even we we turn our backs on him so why shouldn't we do the same. The problem with this type of belief is that I have never been able to let go of things (mainly people) who, for the most part, just make me worry, make me feel bad about myself, and make me unhappy. I justify it by saying that love isn't about always expecting reciprocal feelings in return, it is not a give and take economic exchange that is always equal...it's just love, no matter what. But there is a problem in always loving people who just give back negativity in return, or make you feel weighed down, even if unintentionally. I need to let go. It's not because I haven't loved enough or in the way that they want me to, it's just because they are weighing me down, and I am better than that. I need to learn to love myself.

Namaste. The divine light in me recognizes the divine light in you. Or, as my friend Maggie translates it, "have a good day." ;-)

And I Will Try to Fix You

I have been meaning to write a post about this for a while, but when I'm not constantly reading, writing, or constantly thinking for my PhD program, I tend to want to do really shallow, mindless things like buying things I can't afford, watching reality tv, going out, etc. I also didn't know if I wanted to post this because it is pretty personal. Nevertheless, in the spirit of the famous feminine slogan, "The personal is the political," I am going to write about the uncomfortableness of this topic for the world wide webs to see, because it is really important to me as a theologian and a person, and I think it should be important for you, too.

Speaking of tv, I am definitely a Gleek and not afraid to admit it. I think that especially at the end of last season, the writers were brilliant when covering really hard topics like gay teens, teen pregnancy, sex in general, and mental illness. The "Born this Way" episode was amazing to me because it really empowered people to embrace who they really are, especially in the arena of mental health. Probably my favorite part of that episode was when Emma, the guidance counselor was in the therapist's office and finally admitted to herself how ashamed she was of having OCD. The therapist said to her, "Mental illness isn't who you are, it's preventing you from becoming who you are." She also spoke boldly about how mental illness is so stigmatized in this country and although most people deal with it, no one wants to talk about it. Brilliant.

Fast forward to about a month ago, when they continued to tell the story about Emma's OCD and how it affected the relationship with Will, her boyfriend/star of the show. When her parents came over for dinner (much to her horror), you could see how much of Emma's upbringing had contributed to and perhaps even created her OCD. Mental illnesses are definitely biological, however they are definitely also socially created by the actions/reactions that we have as children. The episode ended with Will trying to comfort Emma, who was in her own little world of pain, with the Cold Play song "Fix You" playing in the background. This episode was eerily similar to what was going on in my own emotional journey at the time when I watched it, and it definitely touched me.

In one of my classes, I wrote a response paper about H. Richard Niebuhr's book The Responsible Self, shortly after this episode aired. My paper revolved around the idea that for Niebuhr, morality is a person's response to actions done to him/her. Niebuhr views morality as responding to that which is acted or placed upon a person in their life. We as human beings and as moral agents are always in community, and there is no denying that the way we live and the way that we act is always integrally connected with interpretations of other people's actions and responses. We are communal beings, and for better of for worse, the way that we view ourselves is based on what we think others want us to be or what we think others think of us. In his chapter on the meaning of responsibility, Niebuhr claims that in our responsibility a person may attempt to answer the question "What should I do?" by raising a prior question of "What is going on?" or "What is being done to me?" It is impossible in Niebuhr's eyes to understand events or act upon each other as persons or groups without constantly interpreting the meaning behind another's actions.

Karen, where are going with this?? The reason that I am a big proponent of mental health awareness is because I myself have anxiety disorder. I have had it all my life I think, but it started to really flare it's nasty, cruel head in college. Ever since then, my relationships have been affected by it, and I have defined myself by it. Some people in my life have contributed to my anxiety, and some people have helped to calm me down. I am not at all saying that we aren't responsible for the way that we deal with our feelings (I know that I am in charge of getting help for myself and can't blame others for the way that I react to things), but I do acknowledge that my anxiety is not something that is an isolated affair, it is helped or hindered by my responses to other people's actions.

I have thought, many, many times, that if people found out what my anxiety truly looked like, they would want to run away. And some people have run away, which affirmed my great fear. But some people have seen me and stayed. Many of the people in my theology department here in Chicago have seen me in a bad state of anxiousness, and instead of fleeing, they stayed. That action caused me to have a reaction of peace, of calm...even if it was only for a few hours. I am eternally grateful for the people in my life, especially my family and dear friends who have sat with my by the bed like Will did for Emma in Glee, and lived out the song lyric "I will try to fix you."

The famous sociologist Charles Cooley present the image of the "looking-glass self" when describing the way that we view ourselves. "Each to each a looking glass reflects the other that doth pass." In other words, when a person responds to another action, they are interpreting the meaning of the actions upon them, and often reflect back to the world a version of themselves based on what they perceive these outside meanings to be. I want to be able to reflect back to the world a version of myself that is strong, confident, resilient and compassionate. Sometimes, however, life and mental health gets in the way, and we reflect back a distorted image that we aren't good enough, we aren't lovable, we aren't important. I hope to always remind myself that there are wonderful people in my life who are constantly building me up and are always there for me when the actions of others or my own reactions get me down. If we are always choosing to act based on the activity which is already around us, then I want to choose love, I want to choose life.

"The world will knock you down more times than you can imagine. Don't knock yourself down." ~Adam Braverman, "Parenthood"

Finding the Dalmatian

Ok, so I'm totally doing this when I become a professor. Today I had my second PhD course, and it was a course about fundamental Issues in Christian Ethics, particularly in terms of faith and morality. This is the kind of stuff that I love, learning about feminist ethics, social justice ethics, and just how the hell (pun intended) can we use this faith that we have to make a difference and to create a more just and loving society. Anyways, my professor is an Ethicist, and he is probably the funniest prof I have ever had thusfar...but amidst the joking was such a strong message. So here is the activity that we did today about a dalmatian and the kingdom of God:

We were all given a piece of paper with black and white splotches all over it, and on the top of the paper it said "top" so we knew which way to hold it, and at the bottom it said "Find the Dalmatian". So, being the visually astute person that I am, I stared and stared and within a few minutes I raised my hand to say that I could see the dalmatian. There were only 2 other people who could "see" it, in a class of about 20. When I went outside in the hallway so the professor could verify that I could point it out, he just shook his head no and said that I still hadn't found it. The other 2 people tried to show me what they could see, but the stipulation was that they couldn't blatantly trace it out for me, they had to try to explain it. Phrases like "it's actually smaller than you think" and "it's not looking at you" made me more confused, and I was trying for the ENTIRE class to find the Dalmatian. To the point where I could barely listen to the professor because I was so upset that I couldn't see it, or that I had thought that I had seen it but really was totally wrong.

The way the prof linked this with faith and morality is that in a very real way, this is how Jesus must have felt when trying to explain the Kingdom of God to people. He KNEW that the dalmatian was right in front of them, but all that they could see were black and white splotches. He couldn't "trace" the image for them, he had to explain the kingdom in parables, hoping that they would finally see it for themselves. That "aha!" moment can only arise out of the person finding the dalmatian and then, all of a sudden once they have found it, they can see nothing else. How frustrated Jesus must have been when he tried to tell his disciples "it's right there in front of you!!" but couldn't force it upon them (perhaps because of free will, perhaps because every person has to come to belief by themselves??). The prof said that the people like me were very much like Peter....they wanted so badly to believe, wanted so badly to see....but they just couldn't. I just couldn't. I feel very much like a Peter in that I believed that the dalmatian was there, but I just couldn't see it myself. I actually thought that I saw it, but then was told that that was a "false" image. Some people are like Paul and they all of a sudden see it and then their lives are changed because now they can't see anything else in the picture.

I'm not really explaining the powerfulness of the activity very well for those of you who weren't there, but it really got me thinking about faith, and about the constant struggle to see what is right in front of you. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing. I'm having trouble believing that God knows the desires of my heart and is going to give them to me at the perfect time. I'm having trouble seeing how being in a whole new city, torn away from my dearest friends and family, will feel like home. I really really want to see, but I can't right now. And like Peter, I'm walking on the water terrified that I'm going to drown- oh me of little faith! What would it mean to finally see things clearly? How jealous I am of people who do see it clearly, with no trouble at all! It's kind of ironic that I was so sure I saw it and then was told "nope, that's not it"...how often I think that I know what's best for me and what truth is, when really it's just a distortion of my human and biased eyes.

In the end, I forced one of the girls that could see it to go in the hallway after class and literally highlight the dalmatian for me. I had no "aha" moment, just a relief that I solved that puzzle for the morning. So I kind of cheated. But deep down, I know that me finding the kingdom of God will be the greater struggle, and there's no cheating. So, like Peter, I'm just gonna keep trying.

Charity, Justice, and being convicted by love in El Salvador

This past June, I went with my home parish, St. Catherine of Siena, to El Salvador for 10 days to visit our sister community in a village called El Sitio. I hate to call it a mission trip, because we weren't really going to evangelize (most of the people were already Catholic), and it wasn't even necessarily a service trip...it was more of an immersion, a visiting of friends, who would soon become like family. I could write about how great it was to bring medicine to the village, to help them install water filters, to guide them in their village meetings, and to play with the kids- it was. But I think that the point of this trip was not really to "be one with the poor" or to give pieces of our wealth to people living below poverty level, however gratifying/selfless that may feel. I think that the point, though I may be corrected, is to understand how their life is like, to learn from them as fellow human beings and share our stories.

There was an article that we were told to read before we left called "The cost of short-term mission trips", and it talked a lot about how at times it is futile for North Americans to go on mission trips for such a short amount of time because they immerse themselves in a situation ridden with poverty, bring some of their first-world goods, play with the kids, and then comfortably go back to their relatively pampered lives. This often leaves the people who went on the trips feeling proud of themselves for "surviving the dump" and for "giving back" and the people on the receiving end depending on these kind of handouts and free gifts from the people who come.

When I was in El Sitio, I feel like I learned from them more than they could ever learn/receive from me. I learned how the power of forgiveness can overcome even the most brutal of wars. I learned how even when you don't have that much, you can still be so generous. I learned that education is perhaps the most important thing that a person can have, and it is a glimmer of hope in the midst of young teen pregnancy, the oppression of women, poverty, war, and governmental oppression. I learned that I feel more alive, more like myself, when I don't constantly have technology to distract me from my real problems, though technology certainly serves a great purpose. Sometimes I can have so much yet feel so alone, as I suspect many Americans feel at one point or another.

But on to the theme of this blogpost, which is my discovery of the fine line between charity and justice during my time in El Salvador. On one of the first nights there, I remember having a night-chat with my group leader Bryan about how guilty I felt about how dirty I thought the outhouses were, that even the "master bedroom" that they gave me left me feeling kind of repulsed and like I was "camping". What made me feel so bad is that I knew that I would only have to "put up" with living in the location for a week, when for the people of the village, this was life. What did I do to deserve a flush toilet, the luxury of stepping out of a pristine shower and feeling so clean, and enough money to always keep me fed, happy and with options in my life? I am so spoiled, and yet so underserving. Furthermore, what good can it do when we North Americans come down to El Salvador with money and gifts, when even if they work all day in the fields they still won't make enough to survive on their own and feed their families? Are we perpetuating the "handout" culture that short-term missionaries have created? Where is the justice and can things change?

I asked myself all of these questions and had a kind of word-vomit conversation with Bryan that night, and it left me constantly wondering what I, as a Catholic first-world citizen can do to help people in developing and third-world countries self-sustain, and have a good quality of life. I don't want to give a man a fish (I've only actually fished like 3 times in my life, haha), I want them to be able to fish themselves, get paid a just price for their fish, and not have to rely on the U.S. for handouts. Surely the Jesuits who stood up against injustice in El Salvador, and Oscar Romero, would agree that as Catholics we have a duty to stand up for justice and have a preferential option for the poor. What is theology if it doesn't spur people to practically apply the gospel in their everyday lives? And so, as I enter my PhD program, I want to focus on how my theological studies can contribute to liberation, to thriving and to a more just world.

Gender Neutrality

Just wanted to quickly post this NPR article about gender- it asks great questions about what gender means in our society today!! http://www.npr.org/2011/06/24/137342682/the-end-of-gender?ft=1&f=1001

Happy is the Heart

I haven't blogged in quite awhile, ever-consumed by my Master's thesis, which has now been successfully defended and approved by the Graduate School! In writing about female sexuality and the issues regarding a woman's vocation within the Catholic Church, I found myself finding questions that arose out of questions, and it seemed like I could never really hone in on one specific argument without finding myself caught up in many other arguments and discussions regarding a woman's natural and divine "role", sexuality in general, and Church teaching about reproduction. It is definitely something that I want to come back to, once I've taken some time away and cleared my head.

In an attempt to put my faith into action, and to stop thinking about myself all of the time, I decided to take part in a 10-day young adult delegation to El Sitio, El Salvador, with my parish from home. I'm really excited about this new spiritual adventure, and I really love the people that I am going with. To prepare for the trip, they recommended that we see the independent film "Voces Innocentes", a real-life story about a young boy growing up in El Salvador during the civil war in the 1980s. The film was really really good, and it got me thinking a lot about the loss of innocence, and how it is nearly impossible to get it back once it is taken away. The boy underwent experiences that I cannot even imagine having, having grown up in middle-class suburbia in a safe and wealthy country. The priest in the story lamented how the children of El Salvador, by witnessing violence, bloodshed and hatred had lost their childhood innocence which had been replaced by fear, pain and bitterness.

Although living in a war-torn country certainly does NOT compare to being brought up in a relatively safe, stable and just society such as the United States, I definitely started thinking about the parallel between the loss of innocence that the people of Latin America experience by physical and environmental effects and the loss of innocence experienced by many Americans as a result of emotional and domestic effects. Let me explain...

I cannot tell you how many young males I have talked to within the past few months who have specifically told me that something in their past has caused them to fear, avoid and sometimes disdain love. I have observed this in women as well, but definitely not to the same degree. They say that they don't want to get too close to someone because then they risk vulnerability, which ultimately will lead to devastating hurt. A lot of the young men I have heard this from have had parents who have gotten divorced, and on top of that have had heartbreaks of their own, or feelings of abandonment. They have admitted to me that they don't want to make the same mistake that their parents did, and that they don't want to feel that hurt again. So they distance, close up, and stick to the superficial. I am not blaming them, but I look upon this trend amongst young people growing up in the 21st century United States as something that is to be mourned...a loss of innocence to love.

Granted, My parents are not divorced and a lot of my friends never experienced this growing up either, but I have had my fair shake of heartache, even devastating heartache. A few people have told me that in order to protect myself, I need to guard myself from people in order not to hurt so much again. While there is indeed truth and wisdom in guarding your heart, I refuse to become another person closed off to love, keeping my heart in a prison and thinking that every person has the potential to hurt me. While many other people may cause me pain, I think it would be a disservice to myself to lock it up and not let people in for FEAR of what may happen. Fear is the enemy, not our helpmate in life. As Ingrid Michaelson sang, "Happy is the heart who still feels pain." At least I am still feeling something, good or bad, and have not lost the innocent hope that everything will turn out ok. Hey, I might even be blissfully happy someday...I'll take those odds ;-)

The Story of the Pearls

My dear friend Jackie shared this really powerful story with me at a time that I really needed to hear it, and it has really made an impact on me as I am starting a new chapter, nay-a new book, in my life. Though sometimes life throws you curves that you might not understand in the least at the time, God knows the beginning and end of your story, and always wants to give you the most precious gifts that lead to true happiness. Or so I hope, as I am growing, learning and struggling.

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess--the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver,she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

What are you hanging on to?

--- Author Unknown

My Reality

Although, I originally intended this blog to help me with ideas for my thesis, I think that a theology-based blog also should include some real-life experiences because what is faith or theology if not practical at it's core?

Sister Nicole, a Marianist sister that I know through my internship at the Marianist Family Retreat Center in New Jersey and through the Marianist world in general, posted a prayer on her blog post the other day that was really poignant for me at this time in my life. It's called the "Prayer for Openness" by Joyce Carol Rupp, and it speaks to the ebbs and flows of life and how when one season closes, another opens.

This is really relatable to me because for the past year or so, I have been in an international long-distance relationship. What this means is that my "reality" is that I am able to see my love for a few weeks (sometimes even over a month, like this past summer) and then have to say good-bye for a few months before I see him again. For me, everso good at change (sarcasm), it is really difficult for me to transition from being with him to being apart, though I have definitely gotten better with practice.

What I have learned from this experience is that there really is no "normal" when it comes to what being in a relationship is like. Sure, I wish that I could see him on weekends or call him in the same time zone, but my reality right now is that I have to count 6 hours ahead before I pick up the phone, and that the times that I do see him are precious because it takes time and money to reach each other. No matter what the circumstance, God has given me the strength to adapt to my new reality, and I thank him every day for that gift.

Prayer for Openness
Spirit of freedom,
open my mind and my heart.
Lift the barriers,
unbind the strong grasp of my demands
when I want everything to go my way.

God of spaciousness,
reach into my inner space,
sweep out all the old clutter,
enlarge my capacity to receive.

Bringer of truth,
empty me of whatever impedes
the growth of our relationship.
Help me recognize and accept
your sources for my growth.

Creator of the seasons of life,
soften my resistance to emptying.
May I welcome each inner season
as a catalyst for my transformation.

Faithful Friend,
deepen my trust in you.
Ease my doubts, fears, and discouragements.
When I am feeling vulnerable,
remind me that you are my safe haven.

Divine Mystery,
may I be ever more rooted in you.
Draw me into solitude.
Entice me into endless encounters
where I experience oneness with you.

Holy Whisper,
open the ears of my heart.
May I hear your voice within the silence
as well as within the noise of my life.
Re-awaken me
so that I can listen to you wholeheartedly.

Bringer of Good and Giver of Growth,
we yearn to be open and receptive
to your generosity.
May we trust your presence amidst the cycle
of emptying and filling.

God Will Take Care?

For me, all it takes is one good professor. I am the type of person who just "knows" when there is something that I want or like- I am proud of my keen sense of intuition and it has served me well throughout the years. I knew that I wanted to go to UD the minute I set foot on campus, and had the best four years of my life, no hesitations, no "pros and cons" list. I am like that with a lot of things, including the major that I chose. Ever since I was in 7th grade I knew that I wanted to be a youth minister and major in Theology. 12 years has past since I first felt that vocational call, and very rarely have I wavered from that knowledge that that is what I am meant to study, that is what I am meant to do- be a theologian. However, ever since I settled in to the "real world" with a "big person" job, I seem to be getting even more fearful about this chosen career path with each passing day.

I like to get paid a salary, and know that I can be financially independent from my parents (well, besides the cell phone bill but who's counting). I live alone, have my own car and have the benefit of treating myself to sushi and buying new outfits pretty much whenever I please. My other religious studies/theoligical studies counterparts are working in ministry fields or trying to find a job in academia, with little to no money to their name. As I see my fellow theologians struggle in this economy, in this job market, it makes me less and less willing to give up everything and keep pursuing theology...because with it comes inevitable money troubles. But if you do what you love and follow what you think to be your true vocation, God will take care...right??

Yesterday I started a new class called Ecclesiology (the study of the Church) with a world reknowned professor. Immediately, I felt the sense of peace in knowing that this is what I am meant to do, and that after all of these years I still LOVE it. That's all that it took for me- one great professor to remind me that financial security is nothing compared to doing what you love, especially when you are young and don't have to take care of a family. I can't let my fear of living in a box or being jobless for a while deter me from something that brings a spring to my step and gives me a purpose in life. Getting paid is nice, but I have to believe that God will help me if I try to do his will.

I don't know if I will ever get a job teaching Theology. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just done something practical like study business or engineering. But I can't live my life in fear, giving in to the secular view that there are only certain disciplines, certain careers that are "valuable". Security is merely an illusion, as Helen Keller sagely noted. I may be poor, but at least I will be happy and know that I took the risk of pursuing my dreams. Oh money.......

"That Time"

I’ll admit it. At the drop of a hat, I could be batting for the other team. However, at this point in my life, as a young 20-something, I want to make sure that I write down this insight, however naïve or short-sighted it may be. Only two short years ago, my fellow classmates and I were contemplating if we should go out and party or stay in to study, whether we should hook up with said “fling” or not, or whether beer before liquor truly does make you sicker. Granted, we still had our share of serious problems as well- should we try to follow our significant other after graduation, should we go to grad school, take the career route or do a year of service. After graduation, we had to learn how to find an apartment on our own, how to pay for utilities, what “professionalism” truly means, and how to find a suit that fits. Amidst these growing pains came new expectations that seemed to pop out of nowhere- because with new steps in life come new societal pressures. In relationships, this means realizing that a college boyfriend either becomes just a young love or a potential husband, and that we are no longer playing “college” anymore, but real life. As soon as I graduated from my fun and careless life at college, wedding invitations and talk of embossed napkins and initialed towels came bombarding into my life. Which led me to wonder- is this “that time”, and if so, why did it seem to come out of nowhere?
With all of the talk about white weddings and engagement photos, it makes a non-married girl wonder what changed all of a sudden and if this path of college, marriage and kids should be a sign of success for females in a society supposedly trying to liberate itself from patriarchal norms. Most of all, it concerns me that females at certain older ages feel as if they have done something wrong or that their lives are not as valuable because they haven’t reached these relational milestones. Sure, I have always wanted to get married, and when I have attended the weddings of truly holy and committed friends I am a blubbering baby filled with joy for the happy couple. But I sometimes worry that in a country where about 50% of marriages end in divorce (caveat: this statistic takes into account people who have been divorced 3, 4, 5 or more times and counts them all as individual divorces) why there is still a palpable pressure for young women of a certain age to “settle-down” and all of a sudden stop thinking of frat parties and honors theses and start thinking of caterers and baby bassinets.
Among my fellow 20-somethings, I have heard stories of people feeling that pressure to get married and so give their significant other an ultimatum. Most of the time, this involves a girl pressuring her boyfriend to propose or else break up with her. What is so problematic about this type of pressure between couples themselves is that if someone does “give in”, they are doing so for the wrong reasons, abandoning their own desire to have more time and to make sure that they are really ready. When both partners are not fully committed to getting married, there almost always is one person who has betrayed themselves by brushing aside their own need to discern such an important life vocation. Although I have found myself having thoughts of what my future holds as I am “advancing” in age (something you might laugh at when you realize I’m only 24), I have realized that if two people are going to make the commitment to spend the rest of their lives together, then there is no rush and should be no rush in this very important process of discernment. And that is what it is—a discernment. I would expect no less of someone discerning to be a priest, or someone discerning whether or not they want to join a volunteer corps or a certain profession. These things take time, and there is no “right time” that they should happen….it’s just organic. Marriage is a vocation, one that should be given time and that should be chosen by both partners whole-heartedly at their own pace. This does not always mean that there is a certain age or time of life for marriage, but rather a certain state of mind and spirit. Societal pressure must not get the best of couples who want to take the sacrament of marriage seriously- after all, it’s not about the wedding, it’s about what comes after that. Maybe that is what they mean by surrendering to Kairos (God’s time) instead of Chronos (the world’s time).

Thesising Day and Night....

Can I just say that I am obsessed with my developing thesis topic and all of the researching that goes along with it? Hi, my name is Karen and I have an addiction to academia. I hate to admit this to the world, but sometimes I get excited about Friday nights because I can read for my thesis and not have to worry about work the next day....wow, I can't believe I just said that out loud. Thank you in advance for being my friend.

Anywhos, I have been developing my thesis topic, which in case people were waiting with breath that is bated since my last post, is about Redefining Female Sexuality in a Post-Vatican II Church (That is part of my title, in fact). I have been reading a book for my independent study class called "Freeing Theology" and it is a compilation of different articles on different subjects in the feminist theology realm. I have been honing in on topics that relate to female sexuality and how the Church has defined and then redefined it over the decades, and came across a section in an article by Lisa Sowle Cahill (my new theologian crush) that really caught my attention.

Though not related specifically to my thesis, I thought that this was interesting to post. It relates to homosexual Catholics and their sexuality. After Vatican II, there was a shift from viewing sex not just as a physical act aimed at procreation, but as an act of intimacy that is relational and highly spiritual- that brings two people together in an act of mutual love. In Cahill's article, entitled "Feminism and Christian Ethics- Moral Theology", she brings up the controversial topic of homosexual intimacy, and I thought that this paragraph was brilliant and definitely insightful:

" The displacement of the procreative purpose of sex by its affective and communicative ones also has signaled increased openness toward lesbian and gay relationships, although moralists vary in the interpretation given to them. However, even ethicists who regard the significance of shared parenthood to be a cross-cultural human meaning of sex, entailing a privileged status for heterosexual marriage, may regard the committed sexual relationships of homosexual couples as morally acceptable. Neither condemnation of gay persons nor the demand that they remain celibate is easy to reconcile with the fact that sexual orientation is a deep component of personal identity and the realization that gay persons are as capable as heterosexual ones of manifesting a range of human and Christian virtues in their lives."

To that I say...Amen sistah! Mother Church turns her wheels very slowly, but there are movements at the grass roots that are calling for another "aggiornamento".

Alright, I'm gonna go and try to save my nerdy reputation by buying cute outfits and going out drinking with girlfriends....

Possible Thesis Topic?!

I quickly wanted to jot down a thesis topic that I thought of in no other than...the shower. Let's face it, that is where most of the thinking happens for young professionals/part-time students like myself. Here it is:

"The Vagina Dialogues: the Evolution of a New Sexual Ethic for Catholic Females in the 20th Century"

This is a very rough-draft thought, but I thought that it was narrow enough for me to hone in on major theologians and encyclicals put out in the 20th century, but broad enough for me to right (eek!) 80-120 pages on without repeating myself.

Thoughts? :-)

Trinitarian Theology- In Practical Terms

Sorry for the large hiatus in my academic blogging, I have actually spent the last few weeks in Italy with my wonderful boyfriend seeing a lot of what I've studied in my classes up close and personal! I got back to the states this past Sunday, only to dive head first into classes again. This semester I am taking Ecclesiastical Latin II (independent study) and a class called God and the Human Experience, which I want to write a little about right now.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect of the class- I had heard that it was kind of like Christology (the study of Christ, his nature, etc.) but about God. "Isn't that what theology means though, the 'study of God'?" you might ask yourself. I thought this as well, but realized with my first class yesterday that is more about the study of God as he presents himself in the Trinity. To me, the trinity has always been a huge mystery (which of course it is), but so illusive that I never even wanted to try to explain it or delve into it. The way the professor started talking about it last night, though, really enlightened me and left me pondering. Here are a few morsels of wisdom I gleaned from the discussion....

Humans started off having a harmony with God, nature, each other and themselves (their inner beings) in the Garden of Eden. It wasn't until the fall that this harmony was severely disrupted. The professor talked about how in human relationships, when we fall out of harmony with each other (through a fight or a break-up), we need to go back to the table, dig into the wound, and inflict a little bit of suffering for the healing process to begin. This is all done out of love, and in efforts to restore the harmony. Since Adam and Eve hid, they were ignoring the wound that was caused by their "fight" with God-- how often do we, when we get in fights with loved ones, co-workers, friends, etc. go off into hiding, even making attempts at avoiding the person that we just fought with because it is "awkward" or "uncomfortable"? I know that I do that all of the time. But it is easier to go into hiding than acknowledge that healing takes some pain, and that denial isn't often the best remedy for wounded relationships.

Another thing that I learned about the trinity is that this communion of love between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is a model for how our communions are as humans- our interactions should be constant expressions of love that refuel and energize us with the different unique qualities that the other has to offer. The trinity model presents a rhythm of 3 distinct entities, yet they are one- as Christians, our lives should follow this rhythm and become a part of the rhythm. It reminds me of a kind of dance :-). It is also interesting to note that the three "persons" of the trinity have unique gifts, which is a blessing for us because each of us has different gifts, and if we are told to be like God then at least we are not sacrificing our uniqueness to model him- since he has different types of gifts in the three-part Trinity! Sorry if I'm not explaining this very clearly, I was scribbling furiously as my prof was explaining these concepts yesterday.

A final thought- I believe that faith should be paired with reason when it comes to studying, and thinking in general. My prof said something pretty profound about theologians: we study God because we love him and want to know more about him. Pretty basic, but it was nice to be reminded of my basic purpose as a theologian 0:-)

"Sex Without Intimacy" Article

I recently read an interesting article on NPR's website entitled "Sex without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships" by Brenda Wilson and it really related to a lot of what was going on in the lives of many of my 20-something friends. Here is the link to the article:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105008712

The article describes the "hook-up", which can mean anything from sex, to heavy petting to simply making out. For most 20-somethings, the hook-up has replaced dating, and replaced courtship. I remember thinking during college that no one really asked anyone on a date anymore, and that most relationships I knew of revolved around some sort of inebriated rendez-vous, without first really getting to know the person. Contrary to the dating habits of the past, young adults are now focusing more on their careers and place less emphasis on finding a marriage partner until after they have pursued their other goals. As a woman, I am grateful that my worth as a young female is not based on whether or not I have "landed" a man anymore, and that I can pursue academic and career dreams without very much societal hindrance. As a theologian, however, I see the trend in physical union without intimacy as very disturbing and detrimental to the spirit.

I long to find the time to read John Paul II's Theology of the Body, but from what I have researched about sexual morality, I know that the central message of sexuality for Christians is that you cannot separate your body from your soul (Gnosticism believes that you can). What you do with your body affects you, and if you give of yourself to someone physically, although society can lead you to believe that is just fun and casual, sex can never be casual. For most of my female friends who are sexually active, whether they believe in God or not, they can agree that when you are involved with someone physically, emotional attachment inevitably follows. This is natural, and what is so unnatural to me is the ever-prevalent message that it's really no big deal, that you can indeed have sex without intimacy. Seems so much like an oxy-moron.

The paragraph of the article that stood out to me reads, "Today, Wilkerson says people hook up via the Internet and text messaging. 'What that means is that you have contact with many, many more people, but each of those relationships takes up a little bit less of your life. That fragmentation of the social world creates a lot of loneliness.'"

Writing love letters to someone, or even going to pick them up from their house and taking them on a date takes time. If meeting the opposite sex consists of having a lot of different text relationships or even dating online with many different potentials, are we really getting to know anyone in the process, or just fragmenting our lives so that we have a lot of options, but very little depth? I wonder sometimes if all of the different forms of communication have stunted our relationship capabilities.

Saint Reflection from a Marianist :-)

Recently, a miracle occurred in St. Louis that was announced to perhaps be the final miracle needed for Blessed William Joseph Chaminade to become a canonized saint within the Catholic Church. For those of you who do not know, Fr. Chaminade is one of the founders of the Marianist order, the order that founded UD, where I now work and study. One of my Marianist friends Andy expressed some concern as to why a person needs to pray to a saint for a medical/physical miracle. "Why shouldn't we just pray to God?", he pondered. Prayer to saints is probably one of the most misunderstood and controversial topic within the Catholic faith, and I am still not sure if I fully understand it, but I seek to try. Here is a very well-written response to Andy's concern by Brother Tom Peiper, a Marianist brother here at UD:

Andy, thanks for sharing the information on Rachel's miracle and her life story. I certainly had heard of her, the cancer and her praying to Chaminade. People have been praying for miracles for centuries. As you said Andy, in your email, that God can do what God wants and therefore God can work miracles. God does not need any saints to do miracles; but God created all of us and calls all of us to love and share the gifts we have with one another. I believe in the communion of saints both in heaven and on earth and that we pray, talk to those who have died and gone to heaven. I pray and talk everyday to both of my parents who have died. I sense their spirit with me at times. Because of God's love for us all, both in heaven and on earth, God invites saints in heave, and all of us on earth to continue to love each other and help each other. God works through saints in heave and through us on earth to make miracles happen in each others' lives. God has used you Andy, and God has used me a number of times to bring about new life to others! And others have helped me find new life too. Sometimes these intercessions like with Rachel and Chaminade, bring about a killing of cancer and new life for a person, in this case Rachel.

I do have a dislike, for how the Church states that for a person to be called a "real Saint" he or she must have three miracles from people who prayed to that person before that person can be called a Saint, like Chaminade and other more famous saints. If a person trieds to lead a good life on earth and prays, loves and really shows their love of God here on earth, then when that person dies they should be called a saint without having to have any miracles.

And last, I believe their are thousands of miracles that happen every day, most of us are just too "blind" "too busy" to see any of them. Blessings and Love, BT

Something to ponder!!

To Love as God Loves

A pretty amazing person advised me to document all of the passages, thoughts or theories that intrigue me as I am plugging through my Master's degree in Theological Studies- this blog is my attempt at doing so. This will help me not only to reflect on what I am learning in my theology classes, but also to hopefully inspire others to take a little time and think about how our lives are interwoven with the Divine. I am an aspiring (Catholic) theologian who hopes to integrate Women's Studies and Sociological issues about sexuality and gender with theological studies. Right now I am fairly certain that I will end up in the Morality and Ethics segment of Theology, having dabbled in a few other fields during undergrad and found them to be not where my passion truly lies.

Currently I am in an online class called Foundations in Church history and Historical Theology, and we are required to read about two books a week. The book that I am reading this week is entitled To Love as God Loves: Conversations with the Early Church by Roberta C. Bondi, and I must say that I have fallen in love with her take on theology. Here is the passage that really stuck out to me as I was reading:
" How can we make a place for legitimate claims of love in a culture that defines being human in terms of the expression of individuality and independence over against love?" (26)

In our individualistic, "I don't need any help I'll help myself" culture, growing closer to God is very often not associated with loving other people. In her chapter on love, Bondi states that a movement towards God necessarily moves us closer to other people, and vice versa. When we grow closer in love with other human beings, we grow closer to God by recognizing the divine in them.

Many modern Christians live under the false supposition that they could be "real" Christians if not for the other people in the world. In most people's minds, being "spiritual" means growing closer to God in an individualistic way, without bothering with the real, flesh and blood needs of the people around them. "I can't live a spiritual life when I have to deal with this person or this messy situation," I sometimes whine. Bondi states that "Often [Christians] can hardly tolerate other people's real problems or even their personalities. Real People tug them away from the pure, spiritual love of God" (26).

What is SO wrong about this assumption is that the Incarnation teaches us that God IS present in the nitty-gritty, impoverished, mentally unstable complexities present in this thing we call daily life. We can grow closer to God by growing closer in love with the world and all of its problems.

Some thoughts that I took away from the beginning of this book are that the church does have a duty to involve itself with secular, social issues, namely because the kingdom can and should be realized in the flesh-and-blood reality here and now, not in a distant, utopian realm. Secondly, closing your heart to love and vulnerability is never going to lead you to personal fulfillment as a beautiful creature of God. Loving and opening oneself up to another is natural; it is actually unnatural to close off your heart and guard yourself in the entrapment of your individuality. Thirdly, as Bondi noted, "Love of God and love other people are so closely related that it is impossible to love God and have contempt for the sins and weaknesses of other people at the same time." Pious judging has no room for love in it.