Happy is the Heart

I haven't blogged in quite awhile, ever-consumed by my Master's thesis, which has now been successfully defended and approved by the Graduate School! In writing about female sexuality and the issues regarding a woman's vocation within the Catholic Church, I found myself finding questions that arose out of questions, and it seemed like I could never really hone in on one specific argument without finding myself caught up in many other arguments and discussions regarding a woman's natural and divine "role", sexuality in general, and Church teaching about reproduction. It is definitely something that I want to come back to, once I've taken some time away and cleared my head.

In an attempt to put my faith into action, and to stop thinking about myself all of the time, I decided to take part in a 10-day young adult delegation to El Sitio, El Salvador, with my parish from home. I'm really excited about this new spiritual adventure, and I really love the people that I am going with. To prepare for the trip, they recommended that we see the independent film "Voces Innocentes", a real-life story about a young boy growing up in El Salvador during the civil war in the 1980s. The film was really really good, and it got me thinking a lot about the loss of innocence, and how it is nearly impossible to get it back once it is taken away. The boy underwent experiences that I cannot even imagine having, having grown up in middle-class suburbia in a safe and wealthy country. The priest in the story lamented how the children of El Salvador, by witnessing violence, bloodshed and hatred had lost their childhood innocence which had been replaced by fear, pain and bitterness.

Although living in a war-torn country certainly does NOT compare to being brought up in a relatively safe, stable and just society such as the United States, I definitely started thinking about the parallel between the loss of innocence that the people of Latin America experience by physical and environmental effects and the loss of innocence experienced by many Americans as a result of emotional and domestic effects. Let me explain...

I cannot tell you how many young males I have talked to within the past few months who have specifically told me that something in their past has caused them to fear, avoid and sometimes disdain love. I have observed this in women as well, but definitely not to the same degree. They say that they don't want to get too close to someone because then they risk vulnerability, which ultimately will lead to devastating hurt. A lot of the young men I have heard this from have had parents who have gotten divorced, and on top of that have had heartbreaks of their own, or feelings of abandonment. They have admitted to me that they don't want to make the same mistake that their parents did, and that they don't want to feel that hurt again. So they distance, close up, and stick to the superficial. I am not blaming them, but I look upon this trend amongst young people growing up in the 21st century United States as something that is to be mourned...a loss of innocence to love.

Granted, My parents are not divorced and a lot of my friends never experienced this growing up either, but I have had my fair shake of heartache, even devastating heartache. A few people have told me that in order to protect myself, I need to guard myself from people in order not to hurt so much again. While there is indeed truth and wisdom in guarding your heart, I refuse to become another person closed off to love, keeping my heart in a prison and thinking that every person has the potential to hurt me. While many other people may cause me pain, I think it would be a disservice to myself to lock it up and not let people in for FEAR of what may happen. Fear is the enemy, not our helpmate in life. As Ingrid Michaelson sang, "Happy is the heart who still feels pain." At least I am still feeling something, good or bad, and have not lost the innocent hope that everything will turn out ok. Hey, I might even be blissfully happy someday...I'll take those odds ;-)