Comparison is the Thief of Joy: Or, Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Page

On a typical day this fall, I will walk into my apartment at the end of a school day at around 3:30. Sweet deal, right?  I'm usually carrying about three bags with me full of quizzes, homework, Expo dry-erase markers, an ipad, a coffee-holder...the list goes on.  By 3:30 I have usually taught about 4 classes and seen about 115 students.  I love it. I am usually so tired by the time I pass under my threshold that it takes only a few steps before I crash onto the couch, or switch immediately into yoga pants.  Each evening, I try to commit at least a half an hour to writing and researching for my dissertation, and try to catch up on entering grades as best as I can before heading off to bed. At the end of each day my heart is so so full from being able to be a part of the lives of young people- as much as I give as a teacher/professor, I get even more back in the form of smiles, kind words, and the looks of transformation and empowerment in a student's eyes and face.  As Meister Eckhart once wrote, "If the only prayer you ever say in your life is 'Thank You,' that will suffice."  I hit my pillow each night both exhausted and thankful- I have found my telos.  Then why do I always feel like it's not enough?

As is typical of someone in the 21st century, not a day goes by without my checking facebook, instagram, etc., not only to check out the latest gossip, but also to connect with friends. Most of my friends have either gotten married by now, are close to being married, and/or are starting to think about having kids. I find myself constantly surprised that I am at that age where these things are normal and expected- "Wait, wasn't that girl doing kegstands just a few years ago? Oh wait, I guess that was 6 years ago now."  I also find myself consistently comparing myself and my life with those peers and dear friends, even though the course of my life has taken a decidedly different turn.  I am single, living in the city, teaching high school and college, and writing a dissertation in a doctoral program.  I teach, research, live and try to embody feminist theory, yet I find myself inadequate or failing when my own life does not follow in the sequential pattern of falling in love, getting married, buying a house and having children.  I don't even want all of those things, at least not in the traditional sense...but why do I still feel like I missed something, or that my life is somehow "less"?

I have come to the conclusion that I need to look at my life right now for what it is: an alternative lifestyle. In my own way, I am taking on loves- children even- and forging a new path as a single woman.  When I work on my dissertation, I am putting my passion, my love, my memories, my entire self into creating this new "thing," this new extension of myself.  In a way, I am birthing something that is both an intimate part of me but also an extension of me, existing on its own. My students are, in an unconventional way, also a part of my family, as are my colleagues and friends. I look at my life right now not in terms of what I can leave behind for my biological children, but rather what I can leave behind for Catholic women in the Church. Is that not noble in its own right? While I shudder at the term "spiritual motherhood," coined by the late Pope John Paul II in his writings on the dignity of women, I must admit that I am taking on an alternate role as a woman in the Church, being a servant and role model for my students about what it might mean to be a lay, single woman of faith.

Still, even in these analogies, I am subconsciously referring to the "traditional" way that a woman should lead her life according to society and the Church as standard, and justifying my lifestyle up and against this standard. Even when I look at fellow PhD students, not only am I comparing myself to them in terms of scholarship and progress, but will also add something to the effect of "PLUS, she has a hot husband/boyfriend."  Why do I do this?  I never stop to think that maybe she or he thinks that I have some great things going on in this crazy little alternative lifestyle of mine.

I love the simple yet poignant quote: "Comparison is the Thief of Joy."  I say it to myself like a mantra, because my own comparisons are stealing my joy, a little more each day.  Joy is precious, and I have the right to bask in it, as a daughter of God. As a teacher and perpetual student, this quote can also mean, "Keep your eyes on your own page." I don't want my students comparing themselves to each other, or using another voice other than their own, so why do I not apply this advice to my own life?

ON

My "Happiness" Project

At the turn of the new year, my good friend Liz gave me a book called "The Happiness Project"- a memoir about a woman in New York City who made resolutions every month for a year in attempts to live an intentionally more "happy" life.  Although personally, as a theologian and philosopher, a lot of her ruminations on happiness seemed a little shallow to me, the project itself is admirable and inspired me to try something like that in my own life: the 28th year of my life, year 2014.  I read the book in January, and so set out to start the project in February.  

February this year was one of the coldest in the past few centuries, and at school professors and politicians spoke ardently on the palpable and tragic effects that Global Warming is having on our planet.  On a small-scale, my own life tends to become affected by the sleet and cold of February every year, but even more so this year in Chicago (or 'Chi-beria'), when many "snowpocalypse"s happened and people locked themselves inside for weeks on end.  I felt like I was trudging- there were many days were it took a concerted effort to drag myself to school and slap on a positive face for colleagues and my students.  So, it was fitting that my happiness resolution for February was: "Show Up." Woody Allen once quipped, "90% of success is showing up," and for this month of February, this addage proved true for me.

In January, I had joined a spanish speaking group from meetup.com, and actually ended up really liking it, despite the fear that I got before walking into a room of 30 complete strangers and then proceeding to speak in a foreign language for a few hours.  I also love to go to yoga at the studio in my old neighborhood (which is now about 30 mins away), but in the negative degree fahrenheit temperatures of January I would often say "not today."  So, for February, whenever an opportunity would present itself to me that I would usually REALLY want to say no to (already in my yoga pants, netflix could be my boyfriend), I made myself SHOW UP.  This was especially hard to do for things that weren't mandatory.  Besides going to school for the classes I was a Teacher's Assistant for, my PhD lifestyle is pretty flexible according to my wants and needs (believe me, not as glamourous as it sounds sometimes!)

My results for February? I was 100% happy that I decided to "show up," and if it wasn't for that phrase to motivate me through February, I would have had a lot of nights when I might have been tempted to "duck out."  I don't want to live my life like that, and honestly it makes me even more prone to the winter blues, which can take a toll on anyone living in the north at this time, but most especially people who already try to balance anxiety and depression in daily life.

Some other goals that I have going throughout the year involve body care and relationship care.  I am taking a plethora of vitamins to try to be more healthy, and am training for a half marathon in May.  I try to be gentle with myself when I have waves of anxiety, and make sure that I treasure being able to sleep naturally now compared to last summer/fall when I would have to take sleeping pills to make my mind shut off.  I'm really excited for March and to build upon my happiness resolutions each month.  Perhaps I haven't found any "keys" to happiness, but I'm trying, and that makes me feel better already 

:-)

The Happiness Project